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Front
Row:
Without a doubt the manliest men on the pitch. Large, often hairy,
beer swilling carnivores that can and will smash anything in their
path. Reveling in the violence inherent in the scrum, they are
rarely considered "nice" people, and in fact to some they aren't
even considered humans at all. Front rowers tolerate this attitude
far and wide because they recognize their role at the top of the
food chain and are used to suffering the fools that surround them.
Accused by some of simply being dumb, I prefer to think of this
group as "open to unconventional ways of thinking."
Locks:
Slightly below the front row on the food chain. As with front row
players it is inadvisable to put an appendage you wish to keep near
this group's maw when they are in the feeding mode. This group of
large, often foul-smelling brutes is also more than willing to
relish the finer points of stomping on a fallen opponent's body and
will gleefully recount the tale ad infinitum. While they tend
to take the tag "Powerhouse of the Scrum" a little too seriously,
they can be useful if inured with the proper hatred of their fellow
man. While members of this proud fraternity like to think of
themselves as "open to unconventional ways of thinking"- they are
usually just dumb.
Back
Row:
These are fine, fit fellows who, like a bunch of hermaphrodites, are
confused as to what their role in life should be. While they know
they are undeniably linked to the forwards, there are those among
them who long for the perfect hair and long flowing gowns that come
with being a back. Some relish the forward role and will do anything
to win the ball and there are others within this group that will
break the prime directive of the forward and do anything to prance
foolishly with the ball. Generally, these guys are not all bad, but
I, personally, have to wonder about any forward who brings a
hairbrush and a change of clothes to a game.
Scrum
Half:
Some like to think of this back as an honorary forward. I myself
tend to think of the No. 9 as half a fairy. While the toughest back
almost always fills this position, this idea is almost laughable -
kind of like the hottest fat chick. The scrum half's presence is
tolerated by the forwards because they know that he will spin the
ball to the rest of the girls in the backline who will inevitably
knock the ball on and allow them the pleasure of another scrum. The
No. 9 can take pride in the fact that he is the lowest numbered back
and that as such he can be considered almost worthwhile.
Fly
Half:
His primary role is the leader of the backs - a dubious honor at
best. Main responsibilities as far as I can tell are ability to
throw the ball over people's heads and to provide something soft for
opposing back rowers to land on. Expected to direct the prancing of
the rest of the backline - the fly half, like any good Broadway
choreographer, is usually light on his feet. While some may argue
that these girls must be protected, I find it hard to support anyone
whose foot touches a rugby ball on purpose.
Centers:
Usually come in two varieties: hard chargers or flitting fairies.
The hard charger is the one to acquire, as he will announce his
presence in a game with the authority rarely found above No. 8. The
flitting fairy is regrettably more common and will usually attempt
to avoid contact at all costs. The flitting fairy is also only one
good smack away from bursting into tears and leaving the pitch to
cry on the shoulder of his inevitable girlfriend. Both types will
have extensive collections of hair care products in their kit bags
and will be among the best dressed at the post-game festivities.
Back 3:
While some people refer to this group as two wingers and a fullback,
I swear to God I can't make out any difference between them. They
are all bleeping bleeps if you ask me. How these three guys can play
90 minutes of RUGBY and stay clean and sweat free is beyond me. I
know for a fact that their jerseys sometimes go back in the bag
cleaner than when they came out. These ladies are fond of sayings
like "Speed Kills" and "Wheels Win" - how cute. Well, I have a
saying too: it's "You're a bleeping bleep!!" These guys will be easy
to spot after the game because they are the finely coifed, sweater
wearin', wine sippin', sweet-talkers in the corner avoiding the beer
swilling curs at the bar. On the whole, I really don't mind this
group because in the end, they sure are purty to look at. |
